Surprise, I’m pregnant!

No, not really. I’d honestly rather pull my uterus out with my own two hands than be pregnant again. I’m not pregnant but it is an appropriate way to start my post.

Today is April Fool’s Day, and once again my Facebook feed is filled with people asking that most important of questions: “Is it appropriate to joke about being pregnant?” Well, most are not so much asking the question as stating flat out that it isn’t, and I just can’t agree with them.

Is it lazy comedy? Yes, absolutely. Is it offensive, disrespectful or insensitive? Hell no.

Look, I empathize with people who have suffered loss or are struggling with infertility. I don’t claim to know what it is like to suffer a late term loss or the loss of a living child, nor do I know what it is like to struggle for years to have a child, though I have had two early miscarriages and I did go through a period when I was first married where I struggled to get pregnant before we stopped trying for a few years. Even if I didn’t have those experiences I’m still capable of empathy, though I’m sure some out there, should they read this, will feel I’m lacking.

That said, I just do not believe that making a joke about my own life affects you in a meaningful way. If I were to make a joke about being pregnant (which I wouldn’t because reread the bit about the uterus), I’m not in any way mocking the struggles or losses anyone else has suffered. I’m just not. When my mother died, I wanted nothing more than to have her back, just for even one day. I’d have given anything to have her back. And I will be honest, it stung to see or hear people complaining about their mothers, things that seemed petty to me. But I recognized that it was my issue, that their complaints weren’t mocking my loss, their jokes weren’t aimed at me. After I miscarried the first time, it was hard to see people enjoying what I wanted and lost, but I recognized that it was my issue. It would not have occurred to me, even then, to take offense at someone joking about being pregnant. The world does not stop because I suffer, and other people’s lives very seldom actually affect me.

Now I grant that I have a skewed sense of humor, and I find great catharsis in laughing at what makes many others wince. Today as I was arguing about this, someone said it was no different than making a joke about cancer, which isn’t appropriate because people have cancer. I’m the kind of person that, if I had cancer, I would be the first to be cracking jokes about cancer. I don’t need to have cancer to know this, I already laugh and joke about things that touch on traumas I’ve suffered in my life. Humor is how I deal with life, especially the most challenging parts of it, and I will never apologize for that.

I want to be sensitive, but the larger part of me just wants to say “get over it” if someone else’s joke about their own life bothers you that deeply. If someone mocks your loss, if someone mocks your inability to conceive, then they’re assholes and fuck ’em, but they are not doing that when they joke about being pregnant.

B.

“If I can do it…”

As I was arguing with some people online, as I am wont to do, I realized something that really annoys me. People using the phrase “if I can do it, anyone can”, or any variant including spouses/aunts/uncles/neighbors/dogs/other four legged friends.

Unless it’s something like “I have no legs and I managed to walk to the store, so if I can do it, anyone can”, you probably shouldn’t say it, and even then, you should use most people, not anyone. We all have our unique, individual challenges and circumstances, and judging people based on what we can do or what people we know can do is generally a pretty shitty thing to do. No, just because you managed to do it does not mean that anyone can or should be able to do it, and we need to recognize this if we’re ever able to develop compassion and empathy for our fellow human beings.

B.

Wanting to human again

I’m not quite sure what to do with these new feelings of wanting to be social. I’m not terribly good at being social, which anyone who knows me will attest to. I’d generally rather listen to Nickelback and Justin Bieber while signing up for nutrition advice from Food Babe* than talk to another human being, at least in any form that isn’t digital.

I’m starting group therapy for my anxiety soon, and I’m looking forward to that, too. It’s like some strange pod person that isn’t a completely miserable crank has taken over my body, and I’d like to think it’s for the better, but I guess time will tell on that one, because it could still all go horribly, horribly wrong. If you see me on the news, you’ll know in which direction my attempts to human again have led me.

* seriously, fuck Food Babe and her fear-mongering, pseudo-scientific bullshit.

B.

Breastfeeding may lead to homosexuality, says study

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) — Links between breastfeeding trauma and homosexuality have been found, researchers report in a study conducted by psychologists at Harvard Medical School.

The study indicated that 75% of the 150 homosexual males that comprised the control group reported experiencing medium to severe trauma as an infant while breastfeeding.

“Based on the overwhelmingly high incidence of this sort of trauma among the gay males that we studied, we now theorize that an aversion to the female breast is imprinted at an early age in males when a traumatic event occurs involving breastfeeding,” said Dr. Helmholtz Watson, one of the study’s authors.

“It is this aversion that causes homosexuality.” Watson said.

The participants in the study ranged in age from 18 to 57 with equal representation from all ethnicities. Among the incidences of trauma listed in the study were a man who was dropped on his head resulting in mild memory impairment when he bit his mother during teething, and a man who was nearly suffocated when his mother fell asleep during a feeding.

“It makes sense that men would turn away from women subconsciously if they experienced trauma at an early age involving a woman’s sexual organs. They would then, naturally, turn to the only other sex available — men,” said Dr. Bernard Marx, another of the authors. “It’s not a choice, not consciously, but we believe that it’s largely influenced by nurture, rather than nature.”

The study has garnered the attention of the Republican Party which has proposed a bill before Congress to ban breastfeeding. The bill — HR 3162, would make breastfeeding illegal both on private and public property. Women found breastfeeding would face a $1000 USD fine and up to two years in prison.

“The health benefits of breastfeeding are vastly overshadowed by the fact that it now appears that it might be turning men gay,” said Rep. Winston Smith [R- TX], sponsor of the bill. “If we can stop homosexuality in its tracks, we’d be morally wrong not to. These women need to be held accountable for their actions.”

The study was published in the Volume 14 [Summer 2007] issue of The Harvard Brain.

B.

Christopher Hitchens proves existence of God from beyond the grave

It wasn’t long after the announcement of the death of celebrated author, intellectual, humanitarian and atheist speaker Christopher Hitchens on December 15th, 2011, that the comments started flying across the internet.

“He has quite the surprise waiting for him, that one.”

“If there’s a God, Hitchens is having a very awkward conversation right now.”

Curious to see how Hitchens was faring in the next world, he was contacted by a medium in San Francisco, CA.

“I’m a big admirer of his work,” said the medium, known as Madame Mystique to her clients. “We differ when it comes to belief in God and the afterlife, and I hope he’s not having a rough go of it now for his Earthly trespasses.”

The séance was held in her shop on Van Ness, with a few close friends in attendance. It is reported that it took a few tries to get through to Hitchens, who was busy engaged in a heated debate with Heraclitus, Epicurus, Francis Bacon and Friedrich Nietzsche.

“I’m good,” he imparted through the medium once they managed to wrest him away. “Heaven is nice. Open bar. If I have to go on for eternity, this is a good a place as any.”

When asked what message he wanted to pass on to his followers, he replied with the following:

“Tell them I was wrong. There is a God, and I’ve met Him. Turns out it’s Eric Clapton, after all.”

B.

Need a Black Best Friend?

Tired of being accused of racism? Want to stick it to random strangers online during arguments? Just want to get into the best parties in town?

Well, today’s your day.

Submit your application to join the Black Best Friend Program, and you may just be the lucky recipient of a Black Best Friend guaranteed to meet your specific needs.

By specific needs, we mean we just pull names out of a hat. Seriously. You don’t care. We know you don’t care. That’s what makes this so great. You get all the benefits of being seen as a modern, progressive person without actually having to waste time making friends outside of your comfort zone or zip code.

There are only so many Black Best Friends to go around, so hurry and submit your application today!

NEW! The Gay Best Friend Program!

Click here for a two-for-one coupon application!

A Black Best Friend AND a Gay Best Friend! You simply can’t lose with this deal.

Apply now!

B.

The FUCKTARD Manifesto

Attention non-white people, I have been elected as representative for the recently formed coalition of angry white people – Fed Up Caucasian Kinship Trenchant About Racial Discrimination. We are tired of being discriminated against, and we demand equal treatment.

To that end, I make the following demands:

Immediately, WET will be established, so that white people have fair representation on television.

Immediately, December will be made White History Month, because it is the last month of the year, and the Great White Hero Jesus was born in December.

Immediately, the NAAWP will be created, to help fight the oppression and discrimination against white men and women.

Immediately, the White Panthers will be created, as a radical organization to go outside and around the racism and oppression of the system and force change for our oppressed white brothers and sisters.

Immediately, the White Reel Awards will be created, to celebrate the under-represented and under-appreciated group of white men and women who work in the entertainment industry.

We demand that the whiteberry will be made available so that we will have equal representation when it comes to cellular communication.

We demand that White Flag bug spray be made available. Blacks are not the only ones who have bugs, we have plenty of white trash that needs effective bug killing solutions.

We demand that the White & Decker line of power tools be made available, our aforementioned white trash families need tools to work on the rusted cars in their driveways with and we need tools to make available to our undocumented help with only a slight deduction to their wages.

We demand the formation of a group of historically white colleges and universities which will be funded by whites only scholarships.

Additionally, the following alternatives are to be considered viable speech: whitemail, whiteball, whitejack, whitelist, whitemarket, whiteout, and whitesmith.

We feel that we have been tolerant of your cruel and blatant oppression of and discrimination against us for long enough, we demand redress and will accept nothing less than full compliance with our manifesto.

signed,

Gaylord Q. Tinkledink
CEO, COO, Head Honcho, Big Cheese, “Just call me Mr.” and calendar pinup for the month of May 2010
FUCKTARD

B.