37 and pregnant

I am an extremely private person, and I debated whether or not I should even post this. My mind is made up; it was made up long before this, when it was only a hypothetical, something I never thought would actually happen. Who expects their tubal ligation to fail? I knew the stats, I knew the risks, but I still never thought it would happen to me. Heh. I never thought I’d have to say those words: “I never thought it would happen to me”. Other people say that.

I can’t keep this baby. My husband and I discussed it dozens of times over the years. We don’t have the money. We don’t have the patience. We just don’t have enough of anything. Our family is perfect the way it is. We’d be irresponsible to have a third child, and it’s true, we would be. For us, it’s just the wrong choice.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to think about this. I’m not sure what I feel about this. Mostly I feel numb, just busying myself with anything I can to keep my mind off of it until I can get to the doctor. Sometimes I laugh, because it’s just so bizarre. I’m pregnant? I keep checking the test as if it will change this time. Sometimes I’m sad, because this is harder than I thought it would be when it was just a hypothetical. Part of me wishes things could be different. I don’t have any ethical qualms about my decision, that isn’t bothering me, and I don’t expect it to once the procedure is done. I just wish… what do I wish? I don’t know. I just wish, just a little bit, that things could be different, even though I had a tubal ligation in the first place because I know I’m done with having kids. I know. So why is this harder, now that it’s real?

Friends told me it’s ok to grieve. I’m not there yet, it’s real but it’s still not real. It’ll be real when I see the doctor, maybe. When I schedule the appointment, maybe it’ll all be real then. Right now I’m still numb, there’s no laughter, there are no tears, there’s just me sitting here in front of my keyboard trying to distract myself. It’s not working.

B.