“If I can do it…”

As I was arguing with some people online, as I am wont to do, I realized something that really annoys me. People using the phrase “if I can do it, anyone can”, or any variant including spouses/aunts/uncles/neighbors/dogs/other four legged friends.

Unless it’s something like “I have no legs and I managed to walk to the store, so if I can do it, anyone can”, you probably shouldn’t say it, and even then, you should use most people, not anyone. We all have our unique, individual challenges and circumstances, and judging people based on what we can do or what people we know can do is generally a pretty shitty thing to do. No, just because you managed to do it does not mean that anyone can or should be able to do it, and we need to recognize this if we’re ever able to develop compassion and empathy for our fellow human beings.

B.

Wanting to human again

I’m not quite sure what to do with these new feelings of wanting to be social. I’m not terribly good at being social, which anyone who knows me will attest to. I’d generally rather listen to Nickelback and Justin Bieber while signing up for nutrition advice from Food Babe* than talk to another human being, at least in any form that isn’t digital.

I’m starting group therapy for my anxiety soon, and I’m looking forward to that, too. It’s like some strange pod person that isn’t a completely miserable crank has taken over my body, and I’d like to think it’s for the better, but I guess time will tell on that one, because it could still all go horribly, horribly wrong. If you see me on the news, you’ll know in which direction my attempts to human again have led me.

* seriously, fuck Food Babe and her fear-mongering, pseudo-scientific bullshit.

B.

Breastfeeding may lead to homosexuality, says study

BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) — Links between breastfeeding trauma and homosexuality have been found, researchers report in a study conducted by psychologists at Harvard Medical School.

The study indicated that 75% of the 150 homosexual males that comprised the control group reported experiencing medium to severe trauma as an infant while breastfeeding.

“Based on the overwhelmingly high incidence of this sort of trauma among the gay males that we studied, we now theorize that an aversion to the female breast is imprinted at an early age in males when a traumatic event occurs involving breastfeeding,” said Dr. Helmholtz Watson, one of the study’s authors.

“It is this aversion that causes homosexuality.” Watson said.

The participants in the study ranged in age from 18 to 57 with equal representation from all ethnicities. Among the incidences of trauma listed in the study were a man who was dropped on his head resulting in mild memory impairment when he bit his mother during teething, and a man who was nearly suffocated when his mother fell asleep during a feeding.

“It makes sense that men would turn away from women subconsciously if they experienced trauma at an early age involving a woman’s sexual organs. They would then, naturally, turn to the only other sex available — men,” said Dr. Bernard Marx, another of the authors. “It’s not a choice, not consciously, but we believe that it’s largely influenced by nurture, rather than nature.”

The study has garnered the attention of the Republican Party which has proposed a bill before Congress to ban breastfeeding. The bill — HR 3162, would make breastfeeding illegal both on private and public property. Women found breastfeeding would face a $1000 USD fine and up to two years in prison.

“The health benefits of breastfeeding are vastly overshadowed by the fact that it now appears that it might be turning men gay,” said Rep. Winston Smith [R- TX], sponsor of the bill. “If we can stop homosexuality in its tracks, we’d be morally wrong not to. These women need to be held accountable for their actions.”

The study was published in the Volume 14 [Summer 2007] issue of The Harvard Brain.

B.

Christopher Hitchens proves existence of God from beyond the grave

It wasn’t long after the announcement of the death of celebrated author, intellectual, humanitarian and atheist speaker Christopher Hitchens on December 15th, 2011, that the comments started flying across the internet.

“He has quite the surprise waiting for him, that one.”

“If there’s a God, Hitchens is having a very awkward conversation right now.”

Curious to see how Hitchens was faring in the next world, he was contacted by a medium in San Francisco, CA.

“I’m a big admirer of his work,” said the medium, known as Madame Mystique to her clients. “We differ when it comes to belief in God and the afterlife, and I hope he’s not having a rough go of it now for his Earthly trespasses.”

The séance was held in her shop on Van Ness, with a few close friends in attendance. It is reported that it took a few tries to get through to Hitchens, who was busy engaged in a heated debate with Heraclitus, Epicurus, Francis Bacon and Friedrich Nietzsche.

“I’m good,” he imparted through the medium once they managed to wrest him away. “Heaven is nice. Open bar. If I have to go on for eternity, this is a good a place as any.”

When asked what message he wanted to pass on to his followers, he replied with the following:

“Tell them I was wrong. There is a God, and I’ve met Him. Turns out it’s Eric Clapton, after all.”

B.

Need a Black Best Friend?

Tired of being accused of racism? Want to stick it to random strangers online during arguments? Just want to get into the best parties in town?

Well, today’s your day.

Submit your application to join the Black Best Friend Program, and you may just be the lucky recipient of a Black Best Friend guaranteed to meet your specific needs.

By specific needs, we mean we just pull names out of a hat. Seriously. You don’t care. We know you don’t care. That’s what makes this so great. You get all the benefits of being seen as a modern, progressive person without actually having to waste time making friends outside of your comfort zone or zip code.

There are only so many Black Best Friends to go around, so hurry and submit your application today!

NEW! The Gay Best Friend Program!

Click here for a two-for-one coupon application!

A Black Best Friend AND a Gay Best Friend! You simply can’t lose with this deal.

Apply now!

B.

The FUCKTARD Manifesto

Attention non-white people, I have been elected as representative for the recently formed coalition of angry white people – Fed Up Caucasian Kinship Trenchant About Racial Discrimination. We are tired of being discriminated against, and we demand equal treatment.

To that end, I make the following demands:

Immediately, WET will be established, so that white people have fair representation on television.

Immediately, December will be made White History Month, because it is the last month of the year, and the Great White Hero Jesus was born in December.

Immediately, the NAAWP will be created, to help fight the oppression and discrimination against white men and women.

Immediately, the White Panthers will be created, as a radical organization to go outside and around the racism and oppression of the system and force change for our oppressed white brothers and sisters.

Immediately, the White Reel Awards will be created, to celebrate the under-represented and under-appreciated group of white men and women who work in the entertainment industry.

We demand that the whiteberry will be made available so that we will have equal representation when it comes to cellular communication.

We demand that White Flag bug spray be made available. Blacks are not the only ones who have bugs, we have plenty of white trash that needs effective bug killing solutions.

We demand that the White & Decker line of power tools be made available, our aforementioned white trash families need tools to work on the rusted cars in their driveways with and we need tools to make available to our undocumented help with only a slight deduction to their wages.

We demand the formation of a group of historically white colleges and universities which will be funded by whites only scholarships.

Additionally, the following alternatives are to be considered viable speech: whitemail, whiteball, whitejack, whitelist, whitemarket, whiteout, and whitesmith.

We feel that we have been tolerant of your cruel and blatant oppression of and discrimination against us for long enough, we demand redress and will accept nothing less than full compliance with our manifesto.

signed,

Gaylord Q. Tinkledink
CEO, COO, Head Honcho, Big Cheese, “Just call me Mr.” and calendar pinup for the month of May 2010
FUCKTARD

B.

Origin of Swine Flu positively identified

Atlanta, GA (AP) — Breaking news out of CDC Headquarters.

The origin of the Swine Flu has now been positively identified. Scientists traced the flu back to Circe, the witch of Aeaea.

The first victims were afflicted with the condition while they were on vacation on the island of Aeaea. From Aeaea, the victims engaged in a 20 year journey to various parts of the globe, before returning back home to Ithaca, spreading the virus as they went. The flu is suspected to have lain dormant in the intervening years, until some catalyst sparked the resurgence in Mexico. The catalyst is still unidentified at this moment, but scientists are hoping to answer that question soon.

B.

Grieving mother incensed by youth center

Macon, GA (AP) — Six years ago, Laurie Stonewall suffered one of the greatest agonies a parent can face – the death of her child. An only child, Jason Stonewall was a mild mannered young man, a straight A student and a volunteer on the weekend at a local retirement community.

On November 12th, 2004, 15 year old Jason was riding his bike home from school when he was stopped by a man, 32 year old Troy Wilson, who had apparently mistaken him for another local youth who had been dating his sister. Incensed by both the interracial nature of the relationship – the young man was Caucasian and the young woman African American – and the fact that his sister had earlier that morning announced her pregnancy, Wilson had set out to, according to witnesses, “teach that SOB a lesson”. That “lesson”, taught to the wrong pupil, was tragically his last. When Jason announced that he had no idea what Wilson was talking about, Wilson flew into a blind fury and began beating the youth, eventually pounding his head into the sidewalk. Onlookers called 911, but there was nothing that could be done. Stonewall was pronounced dead at the scene.

Wilson was convicted of second degree murder and sentenced to 60 years. Though nothing could bring back her only son, the ruling was a balm to the wounded soul of Mrs. Stonewall.

But now that wound has been reopened.

Mrs. Stonewall has kept the spot where her son’s death occurred faithfully preserved as a shrine. She had a plaque erected in his honor, and she and other well wishers frequently leave flowers at the site. She visits the spot on a near daily basis, and until now it has brought a measure of peace. But today, looking down the street, she sees a building going up at the end of the block.

The building is a youth center, intended to cater to at risk youths. With gang activity growing in the area, the center hopes to reach some of the youth before they can be recruited, and provide them with both a safe haven and useful tools for their futures.

As admirable as she finds this, Mrs. Stonewall says, it still feels like a slap in her face.

“My son was killed by a black man,” she states. “Killed because he was white. And now, within viewing distance of this terrible crime, they want to put up a building and fill it with more black men. How am I supposed to feel comfortable here? What if one of them wants to exact vengeance on me for getting yet another of their brothers locked up? If this goes through, I just won’t be able to visit this spot anymore. I won’t feel safe.”

Others in the community agree.

“It’s just a basic lack of respect,” says Melissa Setterton. “To put a center for black kids right down the street from where a horrible racially motivated crime took place is galling. I’m not saying they can’t have a center, but there’s a perfectly good empty building at the edge of the city they could use instead.”

Some go even further.

“Get those damned n****** out of this city,” shouted an unidentified man at a local city meeting. “They do nothing but commit crime and vandalize the buildings and kill our good white kids. They’re ruining our way of life here, and I for one am sick of it. I want them out!” This outcry garnered some boos, but significantly more cheers from the assembled community members.

“I just want to be able to visit the site of my son’s murder without having to be reminded day after day of the man who did it,” says Stonewall.

B.